January 2024 - Me - “I’m going to do a Substack”
And 11 months later, here we are with post no.1. The first step. Setting up my stall, or am I?
When I started comedy, I was a ‘straight’, zany, one-liner comic who never touched the mic, did bizarrely long routines about custard and characters including ‘Sir Mixalot trying to lie but keeps getting distracted by big butts’. My opening joke used to be me rushing onto stage, waving a hammer screaming “Nobody panic. This is not a drill.” Worked well in comedy competitions. Not so much Blackwood Miners Institute. My early career was a mixture of bronze medals and black eyes.
But now, as of Dec 2024, I’m proudly queer, raucous, gag-peddler that gushes out too-personal stories, can’t stand still and performs act-outs with, as my ENT specialist describes, ‘unnecessary commitment’.
My stand-up stylings didn’t start the way its evolved into, and I can’t expect the same from my blogging. In short, no promises as to what this space will be. But I do promise that I’ll try my best to make it entertaining.
“What’s taken you so long?”
Asked no one. In truth, because I’ve always been self-conscious of my writing. When, as a child, I realised that Ronnie Barker wrote a substantial share of The Two Ronnies sketches, I dreamt of being a writer-perform. The idea of being both the architect and builder satisfied both my love of planning and creating, I just knew that’s what i wanted to be. Anyone that knows me for my "‘Bottoming is like sitting in a too hot bath’ and ‘If you get car sick, you’re pathetic’ material might be surprised that it was inspired by ‘Four Candles’
Fun Fact: Ronnie Barker submitted his sketches using the pseudonym Gerald Wiley, so that his true identity wouldn’t influence the producer’s decision of the script, thus allowing his sketches to progress purely on merit. On the other hand, I once used my name to get more roasties at Carvery in Cardiff Bay. And that only worked because a relative was the kitchen porter.
However, I have bad spelling and even worse grammar. I can’t get through a sentence without that red worm appearing and truth be told, every comma is a shot in the dark. However, one thing that comedy has taught me is that people can’t see what hasn’t been made. I want to be a writer. So here’s my writing.
What to expect?
There is no two ways about it, my job is nuts. Excessive travel, meeting the general public, and being free during the day will do that to a career. For example, last week:
I performed in a curry house in Tenby where an amateur OnlyFans model tried to recruit collaborators. Because that’s when I feel most horny, post-bhuna. Two support dogs were allowed into the show but barked whenever someone laughed. And a woman left mid-show because she was having an allergic reaction to plant behind her.
I was on Sky Sports dressed as a Hotdog during the World Darts Championships. Frustratingly, I missed the delivery of original order so had to buy an emergency hotdog on the day. So now own two hotdog costumes.
My boyfriend somehow mistook 6am for 1am, and gave me a sleeping pill despite me having had a full night’s rest. Essential drugging me into a 14 hour slumber making me miss my morning’s meetings.
While writing in a Wetherspoons in Bristol (the tea and coffees are free refills, don’t judge me), a man wearing short shorts, a Crocodile Dundee Hat, one boot and a bum bag full of coppers, kept pointing at my books and telling me how he lost his construction job because of “those damn laptops”. He did tell me that 4 times though. Until he accidentally locked himself in the disabled toilet, and one of the other patrons advised “I’d run now if I was you.”
And that was a fairly quiet week. So if you want to read light-hearted takes on topical events, weird occurrences that week, or lessons I’m learning on this career path. Then I’d subscribe :)
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